Another Paragraph I Am Not Proud Of

I learned to swim before I could float. Swimming was a controlled movement that offered both protection and transportation. Floating meant sinking, drowning, and dying. It was inconceivable– letting go of my thoughts, my body, and just relaxing. I didn’t feel peace; I felt the water grabbing hold of me with its fluid fingers and swallowing me whole. The chlorine clogged my nose, and my panic crippled my brain. The most I suffered was with one of my many swimming teachers. I don’t remember his name, but I remember his unsympathetic face when he witnessed my pathetic attempts. He laughed at me, and my parents laughed at me. I would latch myself to him inside of the pool, too afraid to let go of safety. He would push me off, again and again, until I learned to treat the water as my friend and him as my enemy. I hated him then, but I don’t hate him now. He taught me to trust the water, and to trust myself. I won’t drown because I don’t want to drown. The meaninglessness of floating on water appeals to me because it requires an empty mind. There aren’t many times when a person can stop all thinking and just feel. The soft caresses of the small waves feel good on my back too.

A Sentence

Today, in a passionate fit of rage, I threw a loaf of packaged bread into my kitchen sink.

A Message to My Metrocard, and Whichever “Grand Being” Thinks Ruining My Life is Funny

Where are you

My dear,

Elusive,

Lime-green,

Piece of shit?

I miss you.

I need you.

Everyone tells me it will all be OK.

Everyone tells me that everyone goes through this.

I don’t care.

And don’t you say that I do or that my nonchalance is misplaced.

This isn’t a damn soap opera.

I’m not wishing for a million dollars.

I don’t need to travel this summer.

I’ll forget about the dresses, the shoes, bags, movies, parties, grades, movement,

Life in general.

But please, PLEASE give me my school metrocard back.

Because 29 dollars a week blows. 

(something amusing I once found on the subway)

Welcome

Hello everyone (or no one, if nobody bothers to read my blog). I don't know if it's customary for people to introduce themselves in their blogs, but I definitely will not because there is absolutely nothing interesting to introduce. I am a person who is trying to be, just be. If you don't understand what I mean, or believe I am spouting quasi-philosophical nonsense, perhaps I can explain it to you someday. For now, here is an "inspirational" quote:
“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death”- Albert Einstein 


Is intellectual growth fulfilling? I used to (and most likely still do) value it a lot. But somehow, in my pursuit of intellectuality, I reached unhappiness. Is it better to know more, or less? Well, beng a complete ignoramus is definitely not a virtue. However, it seems like apparent intellectual capability induces people to turn what was previously simple into the complicated. Everything has the potential to be complicated; life in general is hard to understand, but we continue to move by turning our backs to the unanswerable questions. The gaping holes that these questions often leave behind are filled with faith, often blind, but never to be underestimated. People can make themselves believe so many things. Intellectual growth opens many intellectual doors, but it can shut out what previously seemed like an answer. Isn't  intellectual growth all about getting answers and filling in the holes? So in order to continue to move, we fill the now-vacant spaces with other answers that are backed with what seems like logic. But in a way, we create new myths to build faith on only because we can't go on with too many question marks. However, when we arrive at an answer through our reasoning, we like to believe that we are right. We like to believe that our reasoning has more value. But maybe by reasoning things out, we have lost understanding (or almost-understanding) of other essences. 


I will not conclude anything in this post because I may not be finished. My writing and grammar is subpar, and for that I apologize. My thoughts are jumbled up, and my mind is complaining of overuse. But if I got someone thinking, then this post has some worth. If you are in any way interested in what I have to say, please let me know. Either way, I will probably keep writing. Until next time...